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Maybe it’s because I saw a friend who is roughly the same age I was, going through similar hard decisions.Maybe it’s because my spouse and I were struggling to make a hard decision about an external relationship that isn’t going well.Whatever the reason, it caused me to reflect on what I’ve learned in the last decade or so.My ex-husband and I met in high school, when we were seventeen, and had been dating for seven years when we got engaged.I could see this was a psychological master who knew how to manipulate an audience.The stock trade in any self-help e-book purchase is to tap into the reader’s insecurities and promise you have the long-sought-after answer.After reading through the above lonely pleas for companionship, wouldn't you like it if these ladies spent their free time thinking about you while writing you personal, sensual secrets and fantasies?I receive requests from ladies in prison for the names of men and women who wish to be pen pals.

I was vulnerable to that horrible ad because I recently heard something along the lines of “I’m just looking for something casual.” Somehow I find that impossible not to take personally.

I think on some level we knew, even then, that we shouldn’t get married, that things weren’t that great, but people were starting to ask, and everyone (including us) assumed that we would get married. Things were okay for a little while, and outwardly we seemed happy. We kept trying to put the pieces back together, but every time we tried to hold tighter, things dissolved into another argument, each cutting more deeply than the last.

By the end we barely spoke, each retreating to separate rooms for the evening. He agreed, and for the most part, the split was amicable.

Honestly, I think my decision to move away was harder for him to accept than the divorce. So here I am, twelve years later, older and hopefully wiser, looking back at that time in my life and thinking… It was horribly hard to leave what I had known for the previous ten years: a spouse, a home, a friendship.

How do you walk away from the one who was your closest connection for that long? I moved 1,000 miles from almost everyone and everything I had ever known.

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It sure would make writing this more entertaining, and reading it would be much more fun too. Maybe the rock-star lifestyle would be fun, but I don’t want to live that life and a girl that’s looking for that is not for me.

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